We put our house up for sale about six months ago. Most of you know that. We knew it wouldn't sell quickly, being a condo and in this market, but we figured we could handle having three kids in our small house for a short time. It was frustrating though, and I spent many hours (and contractions) fixing things up and basically repainting a good portion of the house. I started feeling more and more like it was time for us to move, but no one was interested in buying, at least not for a decent price. Mid-November my dad said, "How much do other condos in your unit rent for? Maybe you should rent it out until the market gets better". This is an option Matt and I had only ever briefly considered. But six months on the market and with baby three on the way, suddenly it felt like the time was right. So we decided to actually start looking at houses, and then we'd try and find a renter once we found something. The same day we put an offer in on a house (which we didn't end up getting), someone called our Realtor asking if we'd be interested in renting. She gave them my number, they looked at the house that afternoon, I checked references, and before we knew it, papers were signed the next afternoon. We had a renter...and had to be out in two weeks.
This time also coincided with finals for Matt. So while he was busy working his tail off in school, I was trying to pack an entire house, alone, with two little kids constantly begging for attention. I pretty much lived on caffeine and adrenaline for those two weeks. Thankfully my sister Theresa, soon-to-be sister-in-law, Alyssa, and brother, Bryan, and his wife Ricci all came up and offered help on different days. I'm not sure how it would have happened without them! I'm not even sure how it all happened With their help! But happen it did. And on November 23rd, we moved in with my parents while we continued to look for a new home. (My parents have a pretty big house, but my brother Brent lives in the basement, and my sister Julie and her husband Seth moved in a few weeks before us. So we went from our somewhat spacious home, to a completely full house and down to only two bedrooms.) I slept very little during this time, and had a whole lot of contractions from all the strenuous work and stress. It all finally caught up to me and the night after we moved in, I had my first panic attack.
I awoke in the middle of the night suddenly feeling extremely panicked. I didn't even know what I felt panicked about. I just couldn't sit still, I got really hot, and then I couldn't breathe. Thankfully(?) I've had a panic attack one other time in my life, so although I didn't know what was happening to me or why, Matt knew what was going on. He got my dad out of bed and the two of them gave me a blessing. The feelings didn't go away, but my breathing slowed and I was able to catch my breath. I was not able to get back to sleep that night. I was like a fidgeting zombie all the next day. After a couple mild panic attacks, and several nights with no sleep, we called my OB-GYN. She put me on bedrest. Let me tell you something about bedrest. It is Not restful! As a mother, it's extremely difficult watching someone else take care of your kids while you "rest"! I am super grateful though to my family who took turns missing work to care for me and the girls. After several days and an appointment with my doctor, she took me off bedrest with the strict guidelines to take it more easy. She also told me to try Tylenol PM for my lack of sleeping. Oh, and to top it all off, I forgot to mention that the day after we moved in, I also contracted a horrible cold. I couldn't breathe, was coughing all night, and completely lost my voice. My body was basically shutting down after the weeks of hell I put it through.
Kalianna adjusted very quickly to being at my parent's house, and all the extra attention. She completely soaked it up! Magdalyn, on the other hand, became ridiculously clingy and only wanted Mommy 24/7. Literally. She stopped sleeping through the night. My daughter, who has been sleeping through the night since 4 or 5 months old, was suddenly waking up every couple hours, screaming for Mommy and needing to be rocked to calm down. Needless to say, this did not help with my sudden panicking and insomnia. She and Kalianna also caught my cold, which also didn't help them sleep, as they would cough all night. Magdalyn got more and more sick until we had to take her to the doctor. They were afraid her pneumonia would come back (she had a mild case in September) so she was put back on antibiotics. Poor baby! The medication made a vast improvement very quickly. I, however, was not getting better.
I have never been an anxious person. Ever! When people would tell me they suffered from anxiety I honestly thought, "That's so stupid! Just stop stressing!" Like telling a depressed person to "just get over it and be happy" right? Boy was I wrong! I feel like I lost all control of my life. I was suddenly panicking and anxious over the dumbest things. I suddenly felt claustrophobic in group settings. And I kept experiencing shortness of breath and hot flashes. I remember one morning as Matt was leaving for work, I just bawled because I didn't want to be left alone. I knew I was panicking over silly things. I knew I was anxious and stressing over nothing. But I couldn't seem to control it. This was not me! And I hated it! The Tylenol PM did absolutely nothing. I found myself start to get hot and extremely anxious every night at bedtime. I would stress about whether or not I'd be able to sleep, which in turn kept me up and I couldn't sleep. Matt was also almost never around during this time, as he was still working hard on final projects for school. He'd get off work and stay at work to study until all hours of the night. Or he'd come home right at the girl's bedtime to say goodnight and then set up camp at the table and work all night. It was hard to tell who was actually getting less sleep.
I was also spending a ton of time online looking at houses, driving around with our Realtor and two restless little girls, looking at houses. I wanted to cry all the time! Everything we looked at was too small, required too much work, or I just plain didn't like. Then we found it! The house I had been looking for! Good location, nice and spacious, and it was brand new! Then, after running the numbers, we realized it was just out of our price range. Another panic attack ensued. We were getting nowhere in the house hunt and the only one I did want, I couldn't have.
After my next doctor's appointment (and now going two weeks with an average of 1-2 hours of sleep a night) I was a wreck! I went into my appointment and just bawled to Dr. Brown. I didn't understand what was happening to me. She prescribed a sleep aid and told me to take it every night for a week. She said my body would never get better, and my anxiety would never go away without good, solid sleep every single night. She also set up an appointment with a councilor who works closely with their department at the hospital. That night I took my first sleeping pill (ever) and I slept soundly through the night. Right before it kicked in, I suddenly felt very giddy and started seeing double. Matt thought I was hysterical. I think the lack of sleep added significantly to my body's reaction to the pill. Even though he was still studying hard for finals, my sweet husband took care of Maggie each time she got up that night. I heard her (the pills are really very mild) but for the first time, I went back to sleep and let him take care of things.
Over the next week, several things happened. Matt got done with school for the semester. Hallelujah! I was still up several times during the night with Magdalyn, but the pills allowed me to fall back asleep, instead of remaining awake all night. I was now getting actual sleep! And I went to my first therapy appointment (ever). Like I said, all this was very new for me. She gave me a couple tips while we were talking. One of which was to keep a journal of things that were causing stress and anxiety in my life. When she said, "try writing" it was like getting slapped in the forehead with a huge DUH! Writing has always been my stress release! It's always been my why to sort through different feelings, whether good or bad. I'm so glad I had to go to a therapist to tell me something I should have thought of myself. =P Oh well. I blame it on lack of sleep. That and I haven't really written since we put our house up for sale. With Matt in school, being pregnant, and taking care of the girls, plus trying to keep our house spotless for potential buyers, by the end of every night, I was exhausted! My bedtime got earlier and writing became a thing of the past. I also told our Realtor (aunt Becky) that I needed to take a break from house hunting until after Christmas. I couldn't handle the disappointment anymore.
About a week and a half ago, after visiting with the councilor, I left the girls in the care of my sister and went with Matt to watch his last soccer game of the season. This had become another cause of anxiety for me. Leaving the girls with anyone else. Especially at bedtime. But I knew I needed the break, so I took a deep breath, sucked it up, and we left. While watching his game I pulled out my notebook, thinking I would write a few thoughts as they came to me. Before long, I had written an entire poem. Another thing I haven't done in far too long. The words just came and, as they did, I felt like this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Thank you Doctor! It's not the most amazing poem I've ever written, but it got everything out. And as I read and re-read the words, it's like something in my brain finally clicked.
This isn't my mind, I don't stress
How did I get myself in this mess?
Who is this person that keeps me awake?
Why do I suddenly feel so fake?
Spinning, dizzy, stressful pest
Wishing my body and mind would rest
Panicking, aching, wish I could breathe
Why can't I make these feelings just leave?
A house in our price range that isn't a mess
Why does bedtime bring me such stress?
Anxiously pacing the whole night through
Thinking of three now instead of two
Houses, cars, the great balancing act
Trying to sort through feelings and fact
I must get better! My girls are in need
Of more than a zombie, only good for feed
Step back...slow down...breathe in and out
Close your eyes, just rest. No more doubt
Your family is healthy and safe, why the worry?
You have a roof, no more need to hurry
Let go. Enjoy every moment you're in
Everything doesn't have to be a lose or a win
Your family loves you, you're safe, there's plenty of time
A healthy baby, happy girls...it's not all an uphill climb
Just calm down, rest easy, there's no need to fight
Close your eyes, deep breaths, it's time to say good night
That night and writing this poem was a huge turning point for me. I have not had a panic attack since that night. I've been sleeping better, and I seem to have gained a better grasp on all my stresses and realities. I finally started to get excited for this baby to come instead of feeling anxious about him! I am happy to say I may not be completely whole yet, but I am much happier than I was a few weeks ago, and I continue to improve with each day. We had a wonderful Christmas, and I was able to enjoy all of it! I have just started looking at houses again, and we are getting ready to welcome our son in just a couple more weeks. I'm so excited!! And Matt is going to try really hard to help me find some time for writing. So hopefully this blog will come back to life and I'll have a chance to blow the dust off my next novel. We're hoping my own personal therapy will continue to help with the stress and anxiety so I can feel like me again!
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